Et You

You are infinite... You are birthless and deathless.
You are immortal, yet, mortality conquers you
You are a creator, yet, you worship

You are a slave; as such, you chose to be
You are a master; as such you chose to be
You are choice itself; as such, you decide what to be.

You are God's very own painting
You are that perfection of his own image;
you are You.


- Khan M. R. Abir

HOPE: An extinction

Its tough...

Its rough...

and above all else, its not fun...at all...

Rather a depressed soul who had undergone similar melancholic experiences in the past, would ideally be able to understand what I mean, what it truly means.

3rd of July till date...its been slightly more than 3 months. Since that day, I have met many women, drink-bed-goodbye. Drank enough to say that I don't want the next pint any more..of course that's not yet true.

Last night, I thought of her. A lot. I thought of all the things we did together, we had done. It felt like as if there still was hope for once. I could still get her back. She can still be mine. I missed her. I missed her a lot then...I began night-dreaming once again, after a long time. My dreams were still the same. It was still about how I could have done things a bit more different that night at the bar or even before that. Or what if I just stayed and drank with my colleagues? Or simply drank at home. 

When reality kicks in...you begin to hate yourself even more. When you realize that HOPE is extinct for that past we had together. HOPE is lost...

But even if I were to just get a small glimpse of it, I would go to the ends of the world to bring her back. Do anything I could to bring back the girl I loved for the first time ever in my life..I'd like to keep that forever. But HOPE was lost..

The next day, I saw a recent picture of her in my email account. I was not stalking her, instead it was as if HOPE wanted me to see it for myself. I was dead inside..again. She looked as beautiful as ever, those eyes, the nose, the hair...I missed everything about her that instant. But the irony was HOPE only wanted to tease me, when it clearly knew that it is lost for good.

Life is this one cruel journey.... 

The irony is physical pain lasts only a few days, pain where you actually bleed or break a bone or two and YET its the emotional one that gets the best of us. 

As much as I'd like to say that - from the mind of a rational being all things can be discussed and all problems be resolved through time or constructive negotiations, yet most of us prefer emotions to take the better of us.

The girl I loved, cared for, changed for...is gone, and RATIONALITY will not bring her back.

Hidden Imprint

Sam...you ready yet? I am going to leave in 5, make sure your things are all packed.

Yes Dad. I'm almost done.

Great, I'll meet you in the car.

The father and son duo had just moved in to their new house yesterday. 3500 sq ft, 5 bedrooms, 2 living rooms and a 'gigantic' kitchen, which was ironic for two single males who knew little of what cooking is. Marcia had died of cancer when Sam was only 2 years old. Damon, who not only was heart-broken from his short-lived marriage with Marcia, but also, at the same time had lost his corporate job as an investment banker at a global investment firm in Kuala Lumpur. As much as he'd like to curse the global recession, he cared very little about it since, apart from the great severance package he had received from the company, his personal savings and various other investments, his wife's life insurance was what made a major difference. He was filthy RICH!

With a young son to look after and not a care in this world, the both moved back to Cape May, his home town in New Jersey.

Damon had not been back home for almost two decades. He left Cape May after both his parents had died of an accident when he was only 12... His uncle, who also was his Godfather, took responsibility of him and brought him to Kuala Lumpur to assist him with his healthcare business.

....
Sam was now running down the stairs to meet up with his Dad, when there was a silent but sharp sound that came from behind him. It was as if someone had called out to him, they knew who he was.
Forcefully ignoring that sound, he ran out of the house to meet his Dad. They left for on father-son day out to Six-Flags.

....
They were back home the next evening. After dinner, both of them were tired and decided to go to bed early.

02:31 a.m....Damon wakes up from his sleep after hearing noises coming out from Sam's room. It was a cry of fear and pain. Damon quickly jumps out of his bed to run to his son's room.

Sam's face was pale with fear...Cold sweat all running through his forehead. He sat-up partially on his bed to see his Dad's face. The lights weren't turning on. His Dad quietly walks towards Sam while whispering "It's Ok buddy, I am here, it was just a nightmare, you're gonna be alright..."

Once he goes to hug Sam on his bed, Sam whispers to his Dad's ears -

"There is someone under the bed."

Damon give his son a blank look, but does not hesitate to check what's there.

He kneels on the ground and looks under the bed to see if there really is 'someone' there..

He sees Sam.

"Ssssshhhhh Dad, there's someone sitting on my bed and I don't know who it is..."

The Ghost in Me

Hey wake up!..its 12 in the afternoon.

It alright..its a Sunday, what's the big deal? Give me a break, I deserve a well-deserved sleep.
Yes I do. I deserve a well-deserved sleep...

No...You don't. You shouldn't..Wake Up! Wake Up! Wake Up!

Alright! I am UP!

Go to the pool..Swim, you need to, you planned it two days ago. You said you would, now you should. Go to the pool, be there for an hour. Swim.

OK, Fine...Let me wash my face.

OK.

I wash my face, put on my trunks and go downstairs to the pool. There's a few people there, mostly tourists and business executives. Some in the pool and some lying down in the chairs. I quickly wash myself before I get into the pool. I enter. It was refreshing, it felt good. It got me active. It took me 37 minutes to take 15 lengths. I relaxed after that for another 10 minutes. Then I got up to wash my myself in the shower and sat down to in one of the empty chairs to relax for a bit.

It was 1 hour 10 minutes...

Get Up! Come back home! Its time to work on your project. You need to have it delivered in the next 2 days. You need to complete the last bit. So get up! Now!

Ok! Fine, I'm UP!

I head back home. Freshen up, grab a smoke, then sit infront of my laptop to begin working on my project. After 2 hours and 12 minutes, I am done. I complete the project which I kept pending for almost a month. I finished it...O the satisfaction..I felt alive and happy. It was complete.

Hey! Thank you for pulling my leg, I feel awesome now.

Yes, I know..You should feel awesome, you deserve a drink. Go grab yourself a shot of whisky and play some 'chill-out' music. By the way, have you fed the cat yet? Oh yeah, you didn't, do that before you relax.

Sure, consider it done!

I feed the cat, then get my whisky glass from the kitchen cabinet, put some ice-cubes into the glass and then cover it with some of that tasty Irish elixir - Jameson..I play some deep-house music and then relax in my living room sofa. I loved the sofa's! They are really comfortable. Especially when you have a smoke in one hand and a cigarette in the other. It felt like a well-deserved treat.

After my second sip, I let my thoughts run loose. I think about spontaneous things. Occurrences of my past. Things that if I wasn't so relaxed, I would never have given a shit about. But I feel good thinking about those things. I felt happy...

In the span of 4 hours, I have 3 on-the-rocks and 4 sticks. Then felt a bit lethargic, so went to my bedroom to lie down and watch some series online.

I get up from bed after an hour. Do some push-ups on the floor. Wash my face. Go outside to grab some food. I felt like having some Arabic food tonight. I went to the Arabic restaurant infront of my condominium. I liked their food, it tasted good.

It was almost 5 p.m. I called up a friend to check on what he was doing. He was not doing much, so asked me to drop by. He couldn't leave the house, because his wife was pregnant and was nearing her 4th month. He was a nice guy.

I left my house, took a cab and went over to his place. He had a bottle of whisky, so we began drinking and having a chat. Talked a while, business, philosophy, politics...mostly guy talks. Felt good.

I left his house, a bit tipsy, waved at a cab, came back to my condominium.

You should go to sleep now, ...You have work tomorrow. Try sleeping before 11.

Sure, I will.

Have a glass of water before you go to sleep. You don't want a hangover tomorrow.

Yup! I sure as hell don't want a hangover on a Monday!..heh..

I change and get to bed. It was 10:48 p.m.

The voice now becomes a whisper...

You did good today. You followed through. Today you have loved yourself. Today the 'Good' conscious had beaten the 'Evil' one. If you do this more often, life will be different for you... Wealth-Power-Love..the three dogs or masters for every individual..Today...they were your faithful dogs...

Wealth...you finished your project and had it delivered to your client...you didn't delay any longer, like you did before. Tomorrow you shall bear the fruit when you see the numbers in your Bank Account...increase.

Power...You Swam. You did push-ups. That is power. You had the power to do this. Your 'Will' to decide doing these fruitful activities today, when you could have slept the entire time and lazed around the house. You didn't...

Love...the most deadly of all three...what you did today, was only possible if you loved yourself..if there was no love for yourself, neither the wealth nor the power could have been achieved...but you have done it...

KUDOS! my friend....kudos..

I went to sleep..and the Ghost switched off the lights.